Well, I was given 2 weeks notice at my job yesterday. The entire program was abruptly cut-"suspended" is the word they used. Four staff were let go. Our kids don't have a program to go to anymore -today is their last day. Several will find this out when they arrive today. Others will show up on monday to a sign on the door.  The whole thing came out of nowhere, was in response to something legit, but wasn't handled the best. Either way it had very little to do with me. I'm trying to be positive for the sake of the program and for the kids, but it's hard when I don't even know the whole story. We (volunteers, now) are going to carry on some semblance of the program under a different name once a week through the end of the school year, to continue youth outreach for these kids until the program can hopefully return. 

I'm angry, and frustrated, and sad, and trying to work through these feelings mostly privately. I said my piece to those who needed to hear it. We all vented our frustrations and concerns at a meeting last night. But it didn't give me any real answers or bring any added clarity to this mess. Just assurance that it wasn't my fault. 

Complicating things, though, is the fact that I gave notice about a month ago that I intended to be done working for the program at the end of the school year. I plan to try being a stay-at-home mom for awhile, maybe exploiting a few of my hobbies for a little extra cash, but focusing mostly on my three kiddos. (Did I mention baby #3 is due in september/october?) When discussion began about temporarily shutting down the program in the face of "circumstances," it was discussed whether I and remaining staff could keep the program going through the end of the year, and was determined that we couldn't. That there was a lack of leadership. I'm sorry but, bullshit. I single-handedly ran the program with a fleet of volunteers for a whole year before any other paid staff came along and we did FINE. Plus, there is very little that requires "leadership" to get us through the rest of the year. No events to plan or things to coordinate. Just showing up, doing crafts with the kids one day, gym night another, etc. When pressed to be direct and straightforward, they cited my recent absences as making me unreliable. My recent absences due to semester 1 morning sickness, true sickness, head lice, etc. I did miss quite a few days, but had myself covered and never left the program hanging. At the time I was doing 50% of a job with a coworker doing another. We always made sure one of us was present and he missed far more days than me due to far fewer excuses. Anyway, even though it's "not my fault" I can't help but feel they wouldn't have outright suspended the program if they had a little more faith in me and my coworkers. None of us saw this coming and were not given any type of chance to prove ourselves or to improve or else face a cut. Yet opposed to that idea is some very confusing lingo used that implies that whether we were reliable or not, the program had to go on hold. That there are pieces of the puzzle we are missing. If that is the case, though, why bother bringing up our unreliability? Some things just still don't line up in my mind.

All said and done, I'm finding myself out of a job two months sooner than I had planned to be out of a job. Financially, it's not the biggest deal. We'll get our tax return soon and we'd been pretty much planning for me to be out of work soon for months. It's more just the embarrassment and the confusion of the situation that I'm upset with, as well as how this is going to affect the kids. I want answers and I'm not getting them, and at the same time just want to move on because there is nothing I can do. It's not the note I was hoping to "go out" on with this job, and I can't help feeling like a failure despite how it has "nothing to do with me." It's not like some business venture just failed. These are people's lives, children's lives, that hang in the balance in a big way. The whole thing just upsets me.

Meanwhile I'm supposed to put on a positive face for the good of the program and the church and project happy thoughts about it coming back soon and being better than ever. But it's hard to do so in all of the hurt and confusion.

Thanks for listening, Xanga. Sorry to have neglected you recently. 

I don't post many pictures on Xanga, mostly because I post them elsewhere. Click photo below for the elsewhere if you are interested.

I'm tired, but it's a good tired, the kind of tired that happens after a hard (but satisfying and productive) day's work. Usually I'm exhausted at the day's end because I've spent the entire day doing the same repetitive actions without really accomplishing anything. The dishes, the laundry, picking up after the girls, etc. I never see the "bottom" of anything. 

Next week I'm running a day camp for inner city kids which means I'm running around like crazy trying to accomplish all the last minute things that need to happen in order for this day camp to run: contacting volunteers, calling kids, writing up and printing off schedules, shopping for food (two full carts at Sam's Club that had to be paid for, hauled into the car, emptied, hauled into the school, and organized), organizing program supplies, figuring out who is going where when and why, arranging activities for my kids to do with my mom while I'm gone, and texting back and forth with my coworker: "did you remember to..." "don't forget to..." "what do you think about..." "did we ever address..." etc. 

When this is all over next friday, I will sit back with a sigh of relief and do absolutely nothing all weekend but enjoy my family. I will probably also enjoy some straight up fun, as some friends from college will be in town. Oh, how I'm looking forward to next weekend.

But I'm also strangely satisfied with my busy life right now. I work wonderfully under pressure. As a procrastinator, it's about the only way I work. There needs to be a deadline, and it needs to be tomorrow, and then I will accomplish things like a mad woman. Leave me to my own devices and don't tell me when you need something done and it's liable to sit undone for a very long time. 

I am also repeatedly amazed at how true it is that if you want something done, give it to a busy person. As busy as I am, I feel I have spent more "quality" time with my kids than I typically do, and have managed to get really weird projects around the house done as well. Yesterday while shopping for day camp supplies I came across some wall decals on clearance for $.99. With my "teacher discount" and tax exemption, they were right around 84 cents. So I grabbed like seven of them and found some time this morning to hang them up on the boring white walls upstairs. Now our hallway/stairwell is covered in what looks like paintball splats in primary colors on one side. I plan to cover the other wall with art projects that my kids do as they grow. Eisley's just getting to the age where she's creating things. Here she is coloring on the toilet:

Colored pencils are just about the only art supply that she can't use to color on her own skin.

She actually covered the whole paper with her scribbles. I remember when she wasn't able to press down hard enough with most crayons and pencils to make a solid line. All of her colored pictures were "barely there." Now she can definitely scribble intensely enough to do some damage. I can't wait to introduce her to finger paints, and collages, and other fun projects.

Ellis's crib has a safari scene above it. And Eisley's room, even though it's already painted pink, has some break-dancing, cartwheeling kids. The bathroom has some cheesy colored "records." I decided I'm tired of having mostly grown-up decor in my home. I'm in a frame of mind where I'd like to feel a little silly about my surroundings like I did back in college. Except I don't think we'll be hanging somebody's dead uncle's deer from the ceiling anytime soon. 

(that happened in college. We hung a buck from the only available hook-on the ceiling. Its name was barniganflarn. Yes, that is where I got my xanga name.  believe at the end of college, barniganflarn was sealed away in an attic in campus housing, where it probably still lives.)